pages: 234
read/heard: 12/4-5/2019
book: 68 in 2019
SYNOPSIS
Marin hasn’t spoken to anyone from her old life since the day she left everything behind. No one knows the truth about those final weeks. Not even her best friend, Mabel. But even thousands of miles away from the California coast, at college in New York, Marin still feels the pull of the life and tragedy she’s tried to outrun. Now, months later, alone in an emptied dorm for winter break, Marin waits. Mabel is coming to visit, and Marin will be forced to face everything that’s been left unsaid and finally confront the loneliness that has made a home in her heart.
MY THOUGHTS
Hmmm...I'm not sure what to say about this read.
I wanted to read it since it first came out but then I completely forgot about it and I just came across it a few days ago when I was looking for a quick read.
I got it as an ebook but eventually hunted down the actual copy.
I guess I don't know what to say about this read because I wasn't really sure what to expect of it. and i really was not expecting what it was about AT ALL.
I honestly just wanted to read this simply because I liked the cover. And I would start to read the synopsis but I'd never finish it.
Anyway, this story is about Marin in college sorta dreading Mabel visiting her at college during the holidays.
Marin left for college rather abruptly (from San Francisco to New York) and we don't really know why. Mabel happens to be from that past life that Marin is trying to leave so I can see why she'd be shitting bricks in a sense.
Maybe its noted in the synopsis, I dunno, but it was pretty obvious (and sorry if it's a bit of a spoiler but I promise it's not the whole thing) that the girls were in some sort of relationship. The story eventually gives you that plot and I gotta say, I really did like them together and i really wish that at the end of it all, they would've somehow found a way to end up together. but the theme here i guess is growth and it ended up better in that sense than if they would have ended up in a relationship so i also liked that.
One thing I loved about that part of the story was how accepting Mabel's parents were of their relationship.
Not a single word was wasted on how a) they're too young to be doing that "kind of thing" (being in love) or b) how being gay is wrong or whatever the fuck kind of shit could've been inserted there to make this story any longer than it needed to be.
At the end of it all, it wasn't some stupid hookup. To me it felt like they genuinely cared for and loved each other. And I loved that at the end of it all, that love and care is still there. Not in the same way but maybe even better.
Now. For the other, maybe the main one, plot.
I couldn't wait to see what it was. I couldn't wait to see what made her run away from her past life.
And once you find out, well, my heart broke a little bit. Hints are given to you piece by piece but I wont spoil it on here...but I felt like because she really didn't have anyone to nurture her as a parent, she really didn't know how to understand and/or process what her grandpa was going through.
A theme of mine this year has been something along the lines of "you don't realize your parents (or the adults in your life) are just humans making mistakes as they figure life/shit out day by day. It's not until you're an adult that you see they were just trying to merely survive surviving."
I feel like that is 100% Marin right there.
She took what happened and took it in the worst way possible and its completely understandable. But I feel like she completely ignored the fact that hey!, her gramps was also going through some shit. Obviously. She didn't have anybody. Who does she think he has?
this story is just about this moment in her life. and i liked it but i think part of me would have liked to have seen the after of it all. the graduating and becoming an adult part.
It ends good.
My one thing is though, if Mabel's parents really wanted that all along, why didn't they speak up sooner? I guess it makes sense because of Marin's Grandpa but I don't know. Why didn't they show it more through out the story?
Then again, this is told from Marin's POV so who knows maybe they were speaking volumes that wasn't translated to us.
I guess cus I've been reading some pretty light hearted stuff, this one felt a bit more, heavier. but not in any bad type of way.
But I can definitely say star wise, thiiiissss onde is kinda hard for me to "rate" on good reads because too many stars seems like too many but then too little is not enough to convey how good it was.
i dunno.
Anyway, jump over for spoilers.
Thanks for reading!
S P O I L E R S
Marin flees her home in idk, near San Fran to go to NYC about 2 weeks before college actually starts and is living in some run down hotel.
She leaves because her grandfather had essentially just killed himself and she had just discovered that he had lied to her basically all her life in a sense.
Her mother died when she was 3 in a surfing accident.
He swore up and down that he had nothing of her mothers and no baby pictures of her either.
They lived in their home where she occupied the front and he had the back two rooms. They respected each others space and only met in the middle. Kitchen, living room. any of the common rooms.
Her grandpa was in constant mail communication with a woman named Birdie. He tells Marin that they both (him and birdie) need each other a lot because of what they've been through. She hurts because what about her? Shes there. Why cant she be enough? But she leaves it. She doesn't push it.
Little by little, grandpa is getting worse.
Until the day that he is no longer there.
She looks for him to no avail.
panicking she finally calls Mabel's parents and the Dad Javier tells her that he'll call 911 (or maybe she did, I don't remember).
As she is waiting for them to arrive she thinks to herself to finally go into her gramps room. Everything is fine, as fine as it can be since he's missing, until she notices a lever sort of thing and pulls it. She goes up and she finds what is essentially a shrine to her mother.
OH! I should note that before she went to her grandpa's room while shes freaking out, she gets the only picture of her mother of the wall for strength. There she notices that her mothers nickname was....Birdie.
So anyway, she finds the shrine. All her clothes, shoes, crap is preserved in plastic...whatever the fuck. Pictures, baby pictures of her being held by her mom, ALL THERE!
She finds the letters.
There was no "human" birdie.
Gramps was just writing to himself and replying to himself as if Birdie was still alive.
Cops get there, they take her to the station and essentially you find out that gramps walked into the ocean and was killed that way. he was too fragile to try to fight the waves by then.
Marin's mom and grandpa were surfers.
Her mom died in a surfing accident and her ashes were spread in the ocean. Gramps went to be with his daughter.
Mabel's parents are there at the station to pick her up but she flees through the back door, gets a cab, goes to the airport and just flies straight to New York 2 weeks before school starts.
Mabel and her parents have been trying for moooooonths to get a hold of her but they weren't able to.
It's been months and the calls and texts have died down but Mabel is coming over for xmas.
Finally, Marin tells Mabel the truth little by little.
Mabel tells her to come to her house for the holidays. That her parents have dedicate a room just for her. They want her as a part of the family.
She says she can't.
They spend 3 days together then Mabel leaves.
Marin is back to being alone in her dorm.
THEN just when she thinks that Mabel should be landing in NYC, Mabel is actually pulling back into the dorm with her parents!
They celebrate xmas there in the dorms and it ends with Ana, Mabel's mom, telling Marin that Mabel has told her everything and in spite of it all, she loves her and wants to be her mother.
She wants to adopt her and love her in all the ways a mother can.
And it ends with Marin finally remembering her mother.
A memory of them at the beach finally comes through.
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