the light we lost // Jill Santopolo

published: 2017
pages: 321
isbn: 9780735212756
read: 6/6-8/2017
rating: fuck. i think I'm in love with this story but I'm also mad but i loved it. 
book: 22 of 29 for 2017


Lucy is faced with a life-altering choice. But before she can make her decision, she must start her story—their story—at the very beginning.

Lucy and Gabe meet as seniors at Columbia University on a day that changes both of their lives forever. Together, they decide they want their lives to mean something, to matter. When they meet again a year later, it seems fated—perhaps they’ll find life’s meaning in each other. But then Gabe becomes a photojournalist assigned to the Middle East and Lucy pursues a career in New York. What follows is a thirteen-year journey of dreams, desires, jealousies, betrayals, and, ultimately, of love. Was it fate that brought them together? Is it choice that has kept them away? Their journey takes Lucy and Gabe continents apart, but never out of each other’s hearts.

sometimes instagram shines a book down on you that you cant pass up and im so glad that i was able to get a hold of this book because i absolutely loved it. 

i loved this book. 
not because it was well written or because of the many reasons that it is but because it resonated with me. 

Lucy and Gabe embark on this long relationship journey that for a long while was nothing. it was actually never anything once they went their separate ways. but she held on to hope. she believed and she wanted but she couldn't make anything happen. 
she couldn't for the sake of her sanity, but also because you cant make someone see what you see. you cant make someone want what you want. and its not even about that because eventually time, destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it makes things happen but all of those things can also, once again stand in your this case anyway.

i feel like i resonated with this book because of her feelings. i wont get too much into that because that's more of a personal story but the way that she felt, i understand. what she wanted, i definitely understand. with him she was full, it was everything, it was all. but Gabe had other plans. they both had their own plans. it just sucked that they couldn't come together to make it work. 

i read a review on goodreads where some person said that all they saw was all the sex Lucy and Gabe had in the 5 months they were together.  but i think they missed the bigger picture of it all. (im not judging because not everyone will like what you do.) 
maybe to feel it the way i felt it, its something that you have to have gone through? i don't know. i just know that at points i felt like i was a little bit of Lucy in my past. 

for a good while i was team Lucy and haaaated what happened but the more i got into it, i kinda was mad at her for some of her actions. at the fact that she was mad at her surprises....she hated when things happened but she never spoke against them until it was too late. 
people won't know how to act or do or be around you if you don't speak up and say what does and does not bother you.

i don't know if this is a bit of a spoiler but, people can only affect you as long as you let them and i feel like Gabe kind of used her. not used her but he was selfish, with himself and his time. and while there is NOTHING wrong with that, i hated that he kept Lucy somewhat on the back burner to be there for him when he needed her but not any other time. i felt for her. i was broken when she was broken and i was happy for her when things started falling into place. but gahhh!!! I think I'm definitely team Darren. that dude definitely took one for the team. 

this is all told through Lucy so of course we never know what Gabe was thinking nor his point of view (but Jill!!!!!, book idea!!!!) but what i loved is that it kept me on the edge. i didn't know if Gabe was alive and just choosing to be out of her life and ignoring her or if he had beyond moved on or if he was dead and it was just her recounting their story trying to get his attention. 
i wont tell you here why she was retelling her story but let me tell you!, Jill did a very good job of wrapping it all up. that freaking twist!
and that letter at the end!

looking to buy this book for my personal library as soon as possible!!!!!

i feel that there's so much more that i could say about this book. as i was reading it, i kept posting about it on my insta stories because i wanted so badly to speak to someone about it with. it made me feel so many things! it had me emotionally everywhere and I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!!!! but i have to cut it short here because i can probably go on for a good while. 

for now, ill leave you with some faves....and then of course the spoilers!

the problem with living in the now is that it means, by definition, you're not making plans for the future. Kate pg 48
as soon as you started keeping secrets, we had no chance. Lucy pg 69
and i tried as hard as i could to get over you, but really the only thing i needed was time. Lucy pg 83 
what i wanted to tell you is that there are lots of ways to love people and i know that you'll love someone else again. even if its not the same, some of it might be better. Jason pg 80
we see everything through the filter of our own desires and regrets, hopes and fears. Lucy pg 262
if you died, i realized just then, it would mean that I'd be the keeper of our memories. i'd be the only one on earth who had experienced them. i have to do better. i cant forget the details. Lucy pg 301 
nothing i do will bring you back, will it? i have to accept that. Lucy pg 317 

ill miss this book so much! thanks for reading. 
#lesreads on IG


Lucy and Gabe meet in class on 9/11. he was late but the sub was even later and that's when they find out about what is going on. 

they go back to his place and everything is going great between them (and i mean, given the circumstances.) they have this instant connection. 
then his ex calls freaking out and Lucy heads back home. 
he calls her later to tell her that he's gotten back with his ex. 

a year later after graduation, she's having dinner with her family and she runs into Gabe with his girlfriend and they go their separate ways again. 

then for her birthday, her coworkers i believe, take her out for drinks and Gabe is also there. he sends drinks over to the girls and she ends up going home with him. 

they date for a while. 
he tells her that he wants to become a photographer and travel the world and tell stories through his photography. kind of like Nat Geo, real life pictures. 
she tells him to go for it thinking that they would have time. 
they move in together. 
then, on the night that she wins an Emmy for her work in the show that she works in, when they arrive home, he lets her know that he took a job with AP. he is set to leave to Iraq or i forget where but out there to take photos. 
she breaks because, how could he make that kind of decision and not talk to her about it. 

he leaves. 
shes broken for a while. becomes an alcoholic. 

she goes to the Hampton's with one of her friends and she runs into Darren. 

they date for awhile while hes piecing her back together slowly. 

long story short....she ends up marrying Darren. 
and of course Gabe calls her the night before.
and in between, Gabe comes back into the picture. 
i forgot why the first time, but they meet at coffee shops, at their college reunion, at other places, when his mother passes away and they keep in touch via email. 
to skip through most of it because i really want you to read it! she sees this woman, Linda, texting her husband, and her first thought (after she couldn't unlock his phone) was that he was cheating on her. Gabe calls her and he wants to meet up and she says yes and they get pretty tipsy and well, they end up sleeping together. 
she goes home and then ends up sleeping with her husband as well. oh! and mind you, Linda? she was a realtor. they were working together to buy her (and their family // they have 2 kids) the home in the Hampton's where they first met. 
so now she feels even more like shit. 

when they hooked up they talked about maybe giving this a go. even though she is married. 
Gabe isn't happy with his job anymore and he tells her that he is going to come home but she tells him not stay out there and continue doing what he wanted to do.  

so, time passes and well, she's pregnant. 

then she gets a call that Gabe was hurt and is in real bad shape and they need her to make decisions based on his health since he put her as the decision maker. 

she flies (yes she talked it through with Darren but I'm telling you, this guy is a saint!) out to the hospital he is at and well, he was on site and they dropped a bomb. he was too close to get to safety so he was affected. 
he is brain dead. 
and they need her to make the decision whether to keep him on life support or to pull the plug. 

while she is there, she gets a paternity test to find out if her child is Gabe's or Darren's. 

the time comes and she pulls the plug. 

my takeaway is that this story in its entirety, was her talking to Gabe about her takeaway on everything that happened between them before she pulls the plug. 
you know how they say that you should talk to those in a comma because they can still hear you? that's what she's doing. 
and of course she also tells him that her child is his. 
while she never fully had him and now never will, she will always have a part of him through their son. 

then it ends with a letter she is writing to her unborn son. 
she tells him that he's his father and what a great man he was.
that he should look him up when he gets the chance (of course depending on when she gives him the letter.) 
it ends with her being in another we never know if she tells Darren, if they stay together, if he accepts her child. 

but that wasn't the point. the point was Lucy & Gabe, and how their story didn't have a happy ending. 

gah! i loved this story. 

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